I just spent a very silly evening with some very silly friends. I was scheduled to clean up after dinner (a two-hour affair involving three people washing dishes and putting away leftovers), and when I finished I ran down to the courtyard. Two friends of mine were hanging out tonight, and since I'm leaving on a trip tomorrow (Iowa, here I come!), they invited me to hang out with them on their regular date night. The three of us used to spend a lot of time together, back when "the guy" and I were romantically involved and were both lusting over "the gal", but when he and I ended our romance, we stopped hanging out as a threesome. Tonight was fantastic, fun, and completely silly. She had one beer left in her room, and we pretended that it was the only beer left on Earth, after civilization has fallen and we're scavenging around the rubble for supplies.

The Guy: Hey, I went to the Forbidden Zone today.
The Gal: The Forbidden Zone!? What were you doing there?
The Guy: Don't worry, all the gangs were out at the Boundaries today... it wasn't dangerous. Anyway, I went to the ruins of the Food Lion, and I was rummaging around in the debris -- and look what I found!
Us: WHOA... I haven't seen one of those in years!
The Guy: Let's drink it together, and think about the old days.
Me: Wait! We could use it to barter for supplies!
The Gal: Yeah, something like that could get us medicine, or food.
Me: Or maybe we could bribe the guards at the Boundary and make it through the Forbidden Zone to Northern Utopia.
All of us: Ahhh...
The Guy: No, it's too late. When I was in the Forbidden Zone today I overheard people talking about the Republican Mass Army invading tomorrow. This is our last night of freedom.
The Gal: Then let's drink.

So we passed the bottle around, and talked about what we'd do if someday we ended up inhabiting each other's bodies, just for 24 hours. The sexual stuff inevitably came up quickly, but then we moved on to saying what we'd really want to do. I noticed that the things I most wanted to do in "the gal's" body are things that I admire in her that I don't feel comfortable with in myself. I said I'd wear funky clothes and jump around and speak my mind and show off my mohawk (she has a beautiful mohawk that makes me melt whenever I see her). She said if she were in my body, she'd flirt a lot and dance around and enjoy life and not take things too seriously. It was an interesting look at what we each admire in the other person. "The Guy" just sat back and listened, and talked about how he'd have to have sex with someone, preferably with himself, or with whoever was inhabiting his body while he was inhabiting "the Gal's".

Then we headed out to look at the meteor shower, but go hijacked by a friend who got us started on a conversation about the next musical we're going to perform. We brainstormed about how to alchemize "West Side Story" into a showdown between the hammock makers and the tofu workers. Then we tried to say goodnight in all the different languages we could come up with. I think we got 12, including Czech, Swedish, and Korean, and Hebrew.

And now I'm procrastinating packing for tomorrow's trip to Iowa. A friend and I are driving from Virginia for a three-day conference of the International Communal Studies Association, where we're giving a presentation about Twin Oaks. We spent the day packing up veggies from the garden and homemade bread and containers of well water, with the hopes of maintaining some semblance of sanity while we're on the road. Trying to find decent food to eat is one of my main frustrations while travelling. Everything is so processed! I've really been appreciating eating food directly from the Earth, in it's basic, raw form. Cucumbers, tomatoes, zucchini, broccoli... yum. mmmm... sweet dreams

Guten Nacht! Bonne Nuit! La La Salama! Wan An!

Just finished an interesting community meeting (conducted in our hammock shop so people can make hammocks while we gab about community process). We recently laid fiberoptic cable throughout the community for our new phone system, and now we're faced with the question of whether we want to have our computer network and the internet accessible in our residences. Right now, we only have network and internet access in our main office building, in an area of the community called the courtyard. People can have personal computers in their rooms, but we don't have individual phone lines or access to our network of communnally accessible files.

The biggest implication and concern for me is looking at what kind of cultural shifts this would encourage. Right now, if anyone wants to check their email or work on the internet, they come to a public building and work in a space where they're likely to engage with other people. Making the internet accessible to people in their private rooms, and even in their individual residences (we live in buildings of 10-20 people each), it means that we're creating a situation where people are less likely to communicate and interact with the people we live with. Not that all social interaction is inherently good and all solitude is bad, but that we're already working against the gravity of the individualized and compartmentalized mainstream culture, and this would make the slope even slipperier.

I enjoy community meetings because it's a reminder that we're in this together, as a group of individuals looking at our responsibilities to the greater whole. At least, that's how I experience them. I see other people using it as a forum to express their hard-line opinions that they aren't open to changing (though that really didn't happen at this meeting). We had a presentation by one of the techies who's worked a lot on the phone and computer system, then a go-round where people talked about their concerns and suggestions, and then a brainstorm about "next steps", how to move forward. We agreed that there will be an informant posted by the computer services team, then a salon-type meeting to have an in-depth discussion about cultural implications, then a written survey to all of us in the community about what we want. I like that we're having group discussions first, before the survey, because I want to understand what other people think and feel before I submit my opinion of what the community should do.

and now it's dinnertime, and I get to sit down and eat socially with the people that I've been discussing these political issues with. Have I mentioned lately how much I love my life?

Working on another kids show this week, this time with a group of 9 preteen girls (two live in the community, three live close by, and the rest are friends from out of town). Working with them for three hours a day, I've been reflecting on group dynamics and identity development, specifically how people seek power in a group. It's more blatant with these girls than with adults because they haven't learned to be subtle about it yet.

Three of the girls are pushy and aggressive, and get their way by dominating. One is mean and physically agressive, one is loud, and the other just talks alot. All three are visciously sarcastic.

Another of the girls, one who lives here, claims power with her self-confidence. She's a natural leader and simply does what she wants without hesitation. The other girl who lives here tries to be manipulative through whining and acting out, doing what she knows is exactly what she shouldn't be doing in the moment. It seems like it's an intentional self-depricating thing. It's so interesting (and frustrating!) to work with her in this context, because one-on-one she's amazing and mature.

The other four have more subtle ways of seeking power, or empowerment (what's the difference? a question for semantic reflection). They're quieter and more docile. They're more willing to raise their hand in group discussions instead of talking over other people. They seem to seek some of their power through structure, whether it's rules I've established for rehersal time or more subtle social structure. One girl in particular seems to find her power within the group by pulling back and not participating, getting her book out whenever she's not onstage. Tonight at dinner she asked if I'd eat with her -- I had to decline because I had a dinner meeting, and I wished I could have eaten with her (I thanked her for asking me and offered to eat with her tomorrow). In other groups, she's been one of the dominators, but other girls have taken that role here and she seems to have stepped down. One of the other girls is a "whatever" kind of person, the type that just goes with the flow and doesn't assert much of an opinion. She finds her "power" by not giving herself a chance to be wrong. Another girl is just silly, and doesn't seem to care very much. She has opinions that she doesn't seem to be attached to, and likes to be funny whenever possible. And the remaining girl is the most fascinating of all to me, and I just realized that it's probably because I see so much of myself in her. She tries to find her power through knowledge, through being smart, through being right. She tries to do the right thing, to be good at whatever she's doing, whether it's acting onstage or being someone's friend (or being "cool") She gets frustrated and upset when other people don't honor her for being right, especially when they make fun of her or tell her she's wrong. She's insistent and stubborn when she knows she's right, and sometimes crosses into being bossy and ordering people around when they aren't following the rules.

I'm working on the assumption that everyone is seeking some sort of empowerment in group settings, whether it's through domination or submission or somewhere in between (this could become a whole S&M discussion, too). There's a difference between seeking empowerment from other people (the dominators) or from circumstance (the solitaries), or from finding it in oneself (the self-confident), and of course, like so many things, it's not like all people fall into one of these three categories. It's a dynamic mixture in different situations, the different "tactics" existing at varying levels depending on the circumstance.

What are your tactics for seeking power in group situations?

Anniversary was fantastic! The soap opera wedding was a hit -- one woman played the bride's lesbian lover ("what about last night?") and another man confessed that he's secretly loved the groom for years, and asked him to run away with him.

The open mic in the courtyard was lovely. "Coffeehouses" (as we call them) are one of my favorite events here. It's a time where people open themselves artistically, sharing at a deeper level of expression than in our day-to-day interactions. People are daring, and silly, and vulnerable, and passionate, and the audience is wholeheartedly supportive and loving. Lots of cheering, lots of clapping, lots of laughing. These are the types of events where I really feel the extrarodinary nature of this community. At some point during the day I looked around and realized that I felt overwhelmingly happy and free. A real "I'm really in love with my life" moment. I feel like I'm reconnecting with myself after a winter of frustration, and I'm delighted by that!

The kids play was great, exhausting, stressful, and hilarious. Lots of prompting from offstage and people forgetting their lines, but it was still fantastic. There was one point where the people who were supposed to go onstage had forgotten to change their costumes, and were backstage frantically working to get dressed. I had to walk onstage and ad lib for awhile, and the audience loved it. I'm so proud of the script, I'm looking into entering it into a children's theatre script competition!

The kids play was immediately before dinner, and right after dinner three of us performed our flag routine, and we were GREAT! People loved it! The routine was short, only two minutes long, and as soon as we finished (after the applause had died down), people asked us to do it again. So we did, to even more applause. It was great, and I was really proud, once again.

Then, the All Request Dance Band played, and it was the highlight of the day. The dance floor was completely packed, and people went WILD. One woman told me today that she couldn't stop dancing, even when she wanted to. The klezmer band played the Jewish wedding song and the bride and groom were carried around on chairs), and a great DJ played music for the rest of the night. About halfway through the party, three other women and I did tequila shots on the basketball court, licking the salt off each others wrists. Yum. I felt like I was in college again... oh, tequila. And I ended the night with some sweet affection with a guest who had helped me out with the children's theater group. On Sat night we ended up dancing together and then at the end of the song we came together for a hug and ended up kissing, then we snuck off into the shadows of the deck. It was sweet and lovely and I'm very happy. And after a midnight dip in the pond together and nice conversation, I went home alone -- which was exactly what I wanted -- to lay in bed by myself, marinating in the memories of the day. He'll be at the RNC protests in September and I'm hoping to see him there, then he's going back to Chicago, a regular travel place for me anyway (Hey Serenalu!). I'm very happy.

Search Query Award of the day:

(it's a three-way tie)
Frog Cheerleader
skirt swished
cow deoderant

all three led unwitting searchers to this very blog...

Today we're celebrating the 37th Anniversary of the founding of Twin Oaks. We've got a busy day planned -- there's an open mic/talent show that we call a "coffehouse", and a children's play called The Journey to Onomatopeia (which I've been working on with the kids for nearly 4 months of weekly drama class! They came up with the characters they wanted to play and then we fit them all into a story).

There's also going to be a wedding! Two people who live here are getting married and they've planned a wild theatrical soap opera-style ceremony with people planted in the audience to stand up and interrupt when the "minister" asks the famous question ("speak now or forever hold your peace"). I've got the role of the scientist with the DNA evidence to prove that the man who claims he's already married to the bride isn't who he says he is. I wanted to be the high priestess who puts a hex on the wedding because the groom scorned her, but someone else got that part first.

Other exciting festivities of the day include the premiere performance of the Twin Oaks Flag Corps, a group of three of us who all twirled flags in High School. We've been practicing in secret for the past three days, with homemade flags from scrap plumbing pipes and bed sheets (we tried to use fabric hammocks beds, but they were too heavy). And finally, after dinner the All Request Dance Band is playing a long set, including "Everybody Dance Now" in which I get to rap, and "Killing Me Softly" where Hejira and I sing luscious harmony, and our original funk version of "Like a Prayer".

So I've got a long day. I don't know what I'm doing still sitting here at the computer. I guess I just wanted to share it all with you.

it's early morning on the commune. I woke up to the soft, cool light of dawn, sun nowhere in sight but soft traces of orange hinting at the horizon. I laid in bed for awhile, hoping to go back to sleep, but then realized the gift of being awake at a time when few others are (except for Coyote, a former college professor who gets up at 4 each morning -- he's here in the office with me). Walking out of my building, I felt the difference a few hours makes. At 9:00 this courtyard will be alive with people and animals and noises and business and breakfast and interactions... now it's a meditative monk, quietly alive, still and centered. The fog over the gardens slightly obscures the cows in the pasture, and with the sky slowly lightening it looks like a postcard of rural paradise.

On such a cool and quiet morning it's hard to remember yesterday's heat. Sticky and thick, by afternoon most people were winding down quickly (did I mention we don't have airconditioning?). Even the pond was less-than refreshing because there's no shade over the water. I had a meeting at 2pm, the heat of the day, and Valerie and I were both reluctant to start talking logistics (we're planning a presentation we're giving at a conference in two weeks). She started the meeting by saying "I really want to have this meeting, and I'm in a pretty funky mood. If we're going to do this, I need to do something to shift my energy". We talked about taking a dip in the pond, but it was full of noisy and energetic kids (and the aforementioned lack of shade). Instead we decided to walk down to the nearby river. We walked down the path through the woods and felt an immediate sense of relief from the shade and calmess of being surrounded by trees. When we got to the river, we sat on the edge for awhile, toes snuggling in the mud, and talked (some the conference, some personal, some philosophical). I smeared mud on my sweaty skin and felt like one of those animals that rolls in mud to cool off, like a pig. After awhile we waded into the water, which was ecstatically chilly after a few days of heavy rain. After floating quietly in the water for a bit, we got out and rested in the shade on the bank, looking up into the trees and talking lazily.

We remarked how different the world would be if our senators and presidents, and anyone else, could do what they needed to do to take care of themselves energetically during the "workday", instead of just pushing through, hour after hour. Very little is so important that it needs to get done right away.

What do you do to take care of yourself at work?

I was in the garden picking zucchini yesterday, and I saw a bumble bee covered in pollen emerge from a zucchini flower (which are enormous) and land on one of the plants large, broad leaves. The bee was struggling to wipe some of the pollen off of it's leaves and legs so it could fly, and I watched it use it's legs to akwardly wipe itself for at least two minutes. It was obviously agitated, and eventually got enough off so it could fly away.

It made me think about my idealization of nature as "perfect", and my judgement of myself in all of my struggles as "imperfect", and notice the inconsistencies. First of all, humans are a part of Nature. The seperation between what is Natural and what is Human is illusory. AND, struggle is a part of nature! Animals get sick, trees loose limbs in storms, plants get trampled by herds of wildebeasts, and the butterfly strengthens its wings in the struggle out of the coccoon.

Perfection isn't a goal of nature. What is? Growth.

Search query of the day:

"freezing ravioli + crack"

Over the Edge comes in at number one on Google. For all of you newcomers, this isn't a game I play to occupy myself when I'm bored; this is an actual phrase that someone entered into Google and then came to this site from the results. Any guesses about what they really wanted?

I spent the morning in the garden, wet and cold. As I was sawing away on the roots of the kohlrabi (a bulbous vegetable with leaves growing off of it that looks like an upsidedown electrocuted octopus), I had a revelation. It just clicked suddenly in my mind, an understanding of how plants absorb Life energy from the Earth and the Air and Water and then pass that Life engery on to us when we eat it. Writing it out like this, I hear how hippie-dippie it seems... I don't know how else to explain it. There's all of the concrete nutrients and fibers and matter there, and they're obviously (and rationally!) a part of it too. The "Life Energy" is the synergy of all that, working together to create and nourish Life... Aliveness.

Yet another reminder that Life is rooted in collaboration.

I'm in a time of transition. Aren't we always in a time of transition? Constantly changing and growing, evolving even slightly.

The spring is always a major time of transition for me. I have a 5 year "diary" that my grandmother gave me that has one page for each day of one calendar year, and each page is divided into 5 sections of 7 or 8 lines each for recording events of that day, each day, for five different years. I use it sporadically, writing in it maybe 15 or 20 times a year, and the parallell cycles that emerge feel really significant. I recently decided to rearrange my space completely (every member here has their own room as their private space. Mine is about the size of a master bedroom, maybe a bit smaller). I undertook the project specifically at this time because one of my partners (the tall, lanky, big-nosed guy from earlier posts) left for the summer a couple weeks ago. He's spending the next 2 1/2 months in Europe with another parter of his, another partner of hers, and their 2 yr old son. It's a big deal for me that they left because they've been an enormous part of my life here. And so, in the spirit of "embracing the energy of transition" (as I've been telling people here), I marked off 4 days of no work and gutted my room. I went through every scrap of paper, every dust-covered candleholder, every worn-once T-shirt, and piled about half of my things into a box for "Grabs", which I took up to our dining hall and left out for other people to root through. Most of it was gone in a few days. I ripped up 4 whole books of checks from an account I closed out when I moved here, and threw away the spare key to the car I sold. I moved the things of mine that I was keeping into the Science Fiction Library (the section of the community's library that resides in my building), and completely rearranged everything. I moved out a crappy shelving unit made from old hammock parts, and put it in the Storage Barn for some brave and creative soul to put to good use later on down the road. My space is totally transformed, and I feel like that allows me the inner space to make other transitions, too.

And today I gathered a group of 7 of my friends for what I called a "Reflection", a time for them to share with me how they experience me, who they see me to be. Last week I gave out a list of questions I was interested in, just to prime the pump. Here's the list:

How do you see me manipulating other people?
In what circumstances do you see me shine?
What do I do that annoys you?
How do you see me getting in my own way?
In what circumstances do you see me acting from a place of fear? What do I do, specifically?
What do you respect about me?
How would you describe me to someone who didn't know me?
How have I best supported you?
How have I been unhelpful to you?
What are some things that make me unique?
What are your worries about me?
What are some specific memories that you have of me, images that stand out in your mind?
What pieces of yourself do you see reflected in me?

It was intense! We had about 2 hours, and it started off slow and sweet, but after a short while my friends really keyed in on a specific piece of how I express myself and really laid out how it affects them. Each person spoke about it in different ways, but it boiled down to the same issue: the difference between my private persona and my public persona. It's easy for me to get effusive and exuberant and steamroll over other people with my "bigness" (as one person called it). In some situations, like directing a show or teaching a class, people really appreciated it in me. But they said in other circumstances it just blocks any authentic connection. I see that it's one of my ways of staying in control, blocking intimacy by doing a lot of output with little recognition of input. In public, primarily. One-on-one with people, it's easier for me to be more vulnerable and open.

I've recognized and struggled with this "actress" aspect of myself for many years, and this afternoon's reflection with my friends reminded me of how much this affects other people, and my connections with them.

And then I went into town for the graduation ceremony for the alternative high school where I teach sometimes (the class: "Revolution"). After the ceremony, I went out on the Downtown Mall and sat down in a coffeeshop with my journal, reflecting about how easy it is to be the "actress" in the city. No one knows me, so no one knows the difference between my public persona and my private persona. I can be whoever the fuck I feel like being in the moment, without any challenge to inconsistency. I don't have any responsibility to the people I meet, and I certainly feel the allure of that. And yet, that's not my image of the world I want to live in. It's one of the reasons why I moved to the commune: constant reminders of my responsibility to other people, based on our inherent interconnectedness.